Chances are, this last while you’ve felt like you’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. Anger, fear, sadness, frustration, obligation, shock, uncertainty, guilt, denial, hope, love, loneliness, happiness. These are some of the emotions commonly experienced by other teens that have a family member living with cancer. 

It’s important to know that it is okay to feel the way you feel, however it may be. Some people might assume that because your parent has cancer you will be sad all the time. But, you are allowed to feel happy when something in your life is good or going well. Other people might assume that you need to just accept that cancer has come to your family. But, it is okay for you to feel angry or fearful about this at times. 

Feelings don’t stay the same; they change in intensity and sometimes they stop and start again. Sometimes your emotions will change quickly. All of this is quite normal. 

Plutchik's Emotion Wheel

Here is a wheel showing the different types of emotions that people experience (the most intense emotions are in the middle, the more mild are on the outside.) It is called Plutchik’s Emotion Wheel. Where would you be located on this wheel right now? Where have you been located in the past?

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Anger has a bad rap these days. The problem with anger, though, is not feeling it--it is usually the things we do when we feel it. It is definitely okay to feel angry when something awful happens to us. A lot of times we say and do things when we’re angry that we end up really regretting. So we need to find ways to feel and get anger out in ways that don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else

It is easy to feel bad about having fun when someone in your family is sick. It can also be annoying if no one at home is smiling or having a good time. 

But, we NEED to have fun. It keeps our bodies and minds balanced. 

Make sure you keep some fun things in your life every day - a tv show, a comic, a friend who makes you laugh, your pet, a sport… What are some things that you could do for fun? 

In life we lose a lot of things. In any day, you might lose something important to you, like the chance to hang out with someone you like, or receive a lower mark in a test you thought you did well in, or not win an important playoff game in sports... Death is not the only kind of loss we experience. We humans are used to dealing with loss, but it HURTS, and it usually SUCKS.

Losses can be both big and small. Grief is one of the ways we deal with big losses. It’s a heavy duty word that can scare people off.

A few facts about grief: It naturally happens. It is not just emotional, it is physical too. When we’re facing a loss, we get more tired. We don’t concentrate as well. We feel aches, and sometimes we get sick or catch colds more easily.

Dealing with death

Many people make a complete recovery from cancer, but some people live with health complications after the diagnosis, and others die. If your loved one dies, there may be even more feelings that you might experience.

Back in the 1960’s, a psychiatrist and author named Elizabeth Kubler Ross proposed the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These might be some of the emotions you might experience, but it is important to know that everyone is different in how they experience grief. There is no definite formula for your feelings. Be generous with yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.

You can check out these websites for more information about grief:

The Dougy Centre also provides resources for teens who are grieving.

Youth in BC has information about grief, and offers both a chat and distress line.

Sadness is something that all people feel at points in their lives. It is a feeling that tells us we care about something and we are hurting because of it. Everyone feels it, but it is hard for many of us to show it.

You and your family may be feeling a lot of sadness off and on now. That is to be expected. See if you can allow yourself to feel it, and not try and cut it off. Is there someone you can be sad with? A friend or a pet? Is there somewhere safe you can feel sad? Perhaps in your bed, a favorite tree or a park?

Facts about crying & tears

Emotional tears (tears that come out when we cry) are chemically different than tears that come out when we’re cutting onions or standing in a strong wind. Emotional tears contain some hormones and chemicals that actually produce a feeling of relief or calm in the body when released. That’s why sometimes we really do “feel better after a good cry”.

So it is natural, and even helpful to cry when feelings of sadness come over you. If you find that you are crying all the time and can’t stop, however, it is probably a good idea to speak to an adult you trust or a counsellor. 

Sometimes you might notice you cry when you’re happy as well. That is because tears also can come when we feel a lot of positive emotion.

Stress is the way your body reacts to a challenge. It is something we experience every day, and it is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it can make you feel awful, but other times (like when you are playing sports) it can help you perform your best.

Stress can come from any situation or thought. It certainly will come when someone you love is dealing with a serious illness like cancer.

People under a lot of negative stress often feel things like:

• Heart beating faster
• Breathing more quickly and less deeply
• Palms becoming sweaty
• Cold hands or feet
• Difficulty concentrating
• Rarely feeling relaxed
• Wanting to escape a situation
  
• Difficulty sleeping or resting
• Feeling fidgety
• Being tired all the time
• Not enjoying things they normally enjoy

What helps?

If these things don’t help and you are feeling stressed all the time, you may want to talk to someone you trust or go to see a counsellor or your doctor. These are some things that can help alleviate stress:
 

• Getting outside for a walk
• Taking more time to get things done
• Yoga
  
• Deep breathing, meditation
• Listening to music that you like
• Getting more rest when you can
• Taking some pressure off yourself and your expectations

• Practicing mindfulness (if you would like to learn more about mindfulness, check out the Mindful website where you will find tools, articles and resources)
  

• Watch the video - Managing stress while living with cancer
  

There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you need some help to handle the stress. We all need help sometimes.

Sometimes it is helpful to know what someone else has learned from a similar experience. Read what Dan has to say. Words of wisdom from a teenager.pdf‎